R.I.P, Patapaa

R.I.P, Patapaa
Source: Mawuli Zogbenu | uselesscolumn.wordpress.com
Date: 05-10-2018 Time: 09:10:02:am
Mawuli Zogbenu

When the butcher thinks he possesses the same skills the wanzam possesses and decides to ‘cut things’ the butcher’s way, it is only a matter of time generations would be cut off! It is the reason I have devised my own style of dealing with mosquitoes. When it’s 6.30pm, I just open all the windows and doors to my room, allow all the mosquitoes to enter then I sleep outside. It is called diversionary tactics! That’s the best way to deal with your enemies! Try it but don’t come and complain to me about malaria if you have refused to dispose of the rubbish surrounding your house. Ei, is today Friday? Please keep the answer o! Hahahaaaa!

Is it really important to say a prayer before going to church on Sunday? Please don’t think about it now; just start praying in advance la! Abeg, pray for God to divert any tragedy that may be headed your way before you leave the house even if it means you are going to have fun in a hotel room after church. God is a merciful God and would forgive you of your ‘enjoyment sins’ but remember this warning: SIN FASCINATES AND ASSASSINATES! 

I was not sure who to deal with when I entered the premises of GBC some 12 years or so ago.  I was told the policy of GTV regarding corporate news coverage had changed. Ah! How? As a profit-oriented organisation, if you intend having news coverage for any corporate social responsibility event, you have to pay for it; it was no longer free of charge! Wow! But where from this new policy before news ‘showment’ as that was not how we used to do it? I challenged the GBC marketing guys!

I was asked to go and see their Ogah in his office. I met him; he was the Head of Business Development at GBC. He was professionally blunt with me. He explained that there was no need telling the whole world that we have donated food items to people as a way of ‘elping’ them. He quoted the scripture that any time the right hand gives something to someone, the left hand must not see it! True o, or?

He told me if the intention was to tell the whole world about our good CSR activities without hidden intentions to promote the company’s brand, then me and my bosses may be deceiving only ourselves. He explained that every form of news about a company’s good gestures is advertisement and so must be paid for. Really?As to whether my Company paid or not for GTV to provide coverage or not, have a nice weekend! The most important thing was that we got the coverage! Dasorrr!

I had not seen him for a long time till a couple of weeks ago when I heard he had passed on! I was so sad as I had learnt a bit of business development ideas from him when we later became friends. May your soul REST IN PEACE, NiiAnangPatapaa, former Director of Marketing, GBC! Hmmm! We shall meet in some 50 years’ time perhaps to discuss DTT or is it DDT?

So what is this every expert is talking about? Is it DTT or DDT or TDD? I don’t even understand anything so when they talk, I keep quiet so I am still keeping quiet. Whereas one faction keeps saying it’s DTT, the other faction keeps saying it’s DDT. It is really difficult to relate with subjects you lack expertise or knowledge in! The experts should keep talking but should make sure whatever they agree on is to our benefit in the long run o, ayooo!

This situation is similar to when you are a dyed-in-wool insurance man using professional jargons. For example, when I use the expression bottom treatment’ in marine insurance, I guess the ICT person may also not know it simply means ‘painting of the lower part of the ship or the lower part of FPSO Kwame Nkrumah!’It is often conjectured that ICT professionals can be some of the best PRO’s one can ever find…in their field. This is bcos when you are stranded and urgently need a solution to a problem, that is when the ICT man starts going like:

‘This is a syntax error that needs reconfiguration, failure which will result in the total crashing of the system unit. As I speak now, the various platforms are running concurrently making it precariously impossible until a new software which is currently at sea is used to magnify the current, in fact existing set-up. Ideally, we should have left it running overnight but due to circumstances beyond the control of our generator, I am inclined to believe at this point and also to crave your indulgence that stuff like this have some inherently different compressors which can make your screen sneeze right now like three times if you keep standing here’. The easiest conclusion I could draw from this sneezing is that the interface of this system is different from the old one whose ports were made to survive the tropic weather. The cables here are beige in colour and we need the magenta ones to help us identify any interference from the waves that converge at TettehQuarshie for a semi-detached interaction.

The Ajax system used was for JavaScript and when we applied the bandswidth that can only be recognized by the blogosphere, the certificate authority popped up. When this happens, the cyberpunk would delete automatically creating a firewall in front where we would need the services of the system rescue team.

I am sure by next week, when we gopher the printer, the netiquette would now be allowed to operate in sync with sysop and WebDaaavi!

Eeeebei! At this point I would only be looking at the ICT person in awe pretending to have understood him but without understanding anything! After all, who am I to understand! My field is different. ICT?Naaaa! Have you seen a group of medical doctors conversing before? Seyiaaaaa! Jargons nkoaa! They even code common typhoid fever into ‘enteric fever’. How would you know? If in doubt, is it not only pharmacists who understand their ‘wroted’ handwritings and can decipher them as such?

If you are not lucky and you have to deal with an I.T person who has just completed his national service at any of the Telcos, you are finished! Herh! These young ones can dazzle you to faint!

I was told and I believe it that I.T Departmental Heads in various organizations easily get approvals for the purchase of whatever they request once the Financial Controller or CEO gets dazed by the words they use in their request memos. Kai!

But these guys are a very integral part of every organisation’s operations. Why is it that anytime there was a network problem in say a benk, every employee sits down idle relying on the IT person to rescue them? The system distabilises small and nobody can work; not even the office garden boy. Do you know that in contemporary times, when these garden boys fail to do their work and you query them, chances are that the responses to their queries will contain a line like I was unable to weed the back of the A/C behind the MD’s office because of network problem’. Ask them which network and they would have no clue!

And funnily enough, the offices of IT personnel are usually very small, true or false? The most important thing is to put the server(s) somewhere in one small corner and they don’t mind but trust me, the air-conditioners in IT server rooms can freeze a lit cigarette! But wait a minute, why do most IT guys have ‘school bags’ at their back? No matter the level of seniority, there is always a bag at their back like school boys. Just wondering what they keep in there bcos to the best of my knowledge, their tools are built in their fingers, no be so? Oh ok, someone just whispered into my dust-filled ears that those ‘school bags’ often contain external drives used for data backups. I see! Mr Christophe Etoo of SSNIT, I greet you o. Another wizard when it comes to computer nyamanyama things!   

But I keep wondering how 5-year-olds or even younger are able to maneuver the use of android or smart phones. If you like leave your phone, and think you have locked it with your password. They have seen you dadaada! They know your password. After all is it not ****! They can enter your phone, navigate from one App to the other and do things with your phone you have no idea about. My small boy recently ‘broke into my phone’ and asked his mother if ‘I own a guest house’ where I have been meeting people who I tell ‘I am missing you already’! Since then, I have decided to delete every wassap message I receive or send, password or no password! Me again?gbede!

If you have some serious secrets, images, videos et al, don’t keep them on your phone. Delete fast! You may never know when your phone would get missing or get into the hands of repairers you cannot trust. Delete your secrets except that in my own case, some messages, images and videos are too sweet to be deleted.

If you think playing professional soccer for 90 minutes is nothing, you should have been at the last Joy Invitational Tournament and see what happened to me when I played for only 4 minutes and fainted!

Happy birthday to my heart, my ‘problem’, my wife, Mrs Florence Zogbenu. How I wish you were a waakye seller like tonight? …I would eat waakye! Respect the waakye seller…mixing rice and beans requires a special skill a professor of biology may not possess!

Happy weekend to you especially MrTawia Ben-Ahmed, the Country Director-General of Metropolitan Life Ghana and the Vice-President of the Chartered Insurance Institute, Ghana (CIIG). I was happy when I saw you on GNN recently winning an award for transforming the Metropolitan Group (Life, Health & Pensions) in Ghana thus making it the most transformed in the MMI group of South Africa. Ayekoo! You kraa you know book too much, what’s that? Hahaaaa! You have no idea how some of us admire you and get inspired by your great feats. More milk to your yoghurt, Sir!

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