Rami Baitie writes…And stuff

I've written a post previously about growing….old. Do you know the other day I was MC at an event, and it turned out that when I handled my first gig as a DJ (with cassettes), both the DJ and sound engineer at this event….had not been born?! Ewurade Jesu! How I felt old! And they were calling me Sir and Uncle! Jeez! Still, they learned something about speaking at an event and got some oldies off me as well.

There is a red cloth around one of the traffic lights opposite the Osu Cemetery. When I say red cloth I am referring to the strip of red cloth that Ghanaians tie around a wrist when celebrating a funeral. So if there is one on a traffic light opposite a cemetery….is it permanent funeral attire for the light? After all, it must see a funeral every week. Just wondering.

I've been listening to Ebony recently. I'm a confirmed fan as you might have guessed from previous posts. I have discovered though, through repeated listening, that she had a turn of phrasing in some of her songs which didn't quite flow. I'm not referring to the quality of a lyric, but rather to the way she either pronounced a word or uttered a rap in the context of the music. Especially when she sang or rapped in English. Considering how talented she was I am sure her later songs would have been a bit more refined in terms of her singing and rapping. Although I would have been quite happy for her to stay unrefined in her lyrics…Anyway, she was perfect in every other way, and I say that unashamedly. The way she said, "Hebaa"….oh baby.

Do you like animals? I do. I've lived with dogs, cats, and even a parrot. Oh wait, do children qualify as animals?! And when I say lived with I mean as pets of course! Have you ever seen the way some animals react to each other? The dogs at home go completely bananas when they see crows. And a whole murder of crows has taken to settling on the roof of our house at random times. It's total chaos when they start 'cawing' and our dogs (all female) go ga-ga. I swear, the crows know exactly what they are doing! It's intentional! I suspect the crows are all female too; there's something about the way they sit on the roof arrogantly looking at the demented dogs barking and jumping helplessly. And this happens every day…they must be women.

What do you do when you are manoeuvring into a parking space and one of the cars alongside has some random idiot lying down, probably asleep, with a door or two thrown wide open? It's a fairly common sight in Accra, but that doesn't make it any less annoying. I guess it is typical of the average Ghanaian being inconsiderate to other drivers. I usually get as close as I can alongside the idiot and then honk my horn loud and long. It works! I am almost certain that one guy I did it to pee in his pants! I'd give anything to know what he was dreaming about.

I parked my car recently in a car park at a shopping mall. As I sat in the car for a few minutes, a branch from the tree I was parked under came crashing down on the roof of the car. It scared me silly! I thought one of the aircraft that routinely flies over this car park had landed on my roof! No damage though. But I'm curious: are the owners of the shopping mall liable for any damage done by an act of God? For example, a falling branch? I wonder.

You know what makes me smile these days? When I go to a car park that is usually very crowded I get quite irritated trying to find an empty space. And yet when I go to that same car park when it is mostly empty, I have a problem trying to decide which of the empty spots to use! I swear my father! I find it quite interesting. I've been known to waltz into 4 or 5 empty spots before I settle on one. Why??

What exactly is going on in a priest's mind when a hymn is being sung in church….and he shouts, "Last verse!"….and the congregation is about to sing the last verse anyway? Really, if the priest is not paying attention….why should anyone else?

I've recently discovered coconut oil. It has like one million health benefits, conservatively speaking. So I've decided to add it to my diet, two spoons a day, every day. I thought I would be repelled by the smell because coconut oil has a strong scent, and it can be overpowering. But it wasn't. And the taste was not only bearable, but I've begun to enjoy it. Now if only I could get drunk on the stuff. You can also use it for your hair apparently, like a kind of pomade, and someone said it would even make your hair grow. That's terrible….for me! Can you imagine me growing hair, a new, full, sexy, head of hair?? At my age??? I wouldn't know what to do with it! I've even forgotten how to use a comb…

What do you think of people who use the torch app on their mobile phones at the movies? Really annoying, especially when they hold them up high. Annoying because you don't really need a light; Silverbird is lit pretty well in terms of finding a seat in the dark. I have a theory about these people. I think they've never used the app and they are just dying to. So they enter a dark movie theatre and something in their brain touches….and the torch comes on automatically, whether they need it or not.

I discovered the other day that I was not alone in doing something at the movies. Whenever movies end I wait until the credits are over before I leave, and it's not only because Marvel has spoiled end credits for us. It is because I like to look in the thousands of name until I see at least one Ghanaian name! There is almost always one obviously Ghanaian name in credits at the end of a movie and I just love finding it. And then at a book launch, I attended the other day, the moderator mentioned that she does it too! Oh, how nice! I'm not crazy and I'm not alone!!

I have to give a mention to the runners and walkers who I pass every morning in Christian Village. They are truly inspirational in their dedication and their commitment. As I waft past in air-conditioned splendour my heart reaches out to them. Metaphorically speaking of course….it's way too warm and sweaty to place my well-shod foot on the ground outside the car. They haven't inspired me enough to do it myself. But they should keep walking and running….you never know. The women inspire me more than the men, and if you don't know why by now then you shouldn't be reading this blog.

Does anyone remember a deep purple soft drink (or mineral as we used to call them) called Portello? If we can get Muscatella now, why can't we get Portello? There's a Fanta flavour that's quite close in look and taste, but it's not Portello. Who produced Portello anyway? One of the current breweries? Or has the producer gone the way of the dinosaur? Bring back Portello I say! I loved the way it would stain your tongue a wonderful deep hued black/purple colour, especially if you let each mouthful linger. You couldn't hide the fact that you had a Portello…

Have you ever been lying down intimately with someone….and then you start to hear stomach sounds? You know the sounds I mean, very squishy, gurgling, liquid sounds. A rumbling kind of affair that makes you think of eating beans and all things gassy. They are not embarrassing sounds, just rather loud and cacophonic. And then one of you says, "Is that your tummy or mine?" Of course, if this happens when you are with someone non-intimate…

My newspaper boy (man?) shouted at me this week for being 'late'. Seriously. I don't even know what to say about that.