Double Trouble in Akoto Lante

Double Trouble in Akoto Lante
Source: Ghana| Mawuli Zogbenu
Date: 15-03-2019 Time: 05:03:59:pm
Mawuli Zogbenu

‘When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad and that is my religion’ (paraphrased). I am told this powerful karma saying is attributed to Abraham Lincoln. In case you don’t know who he is, abeg, you are on your own; just google it.

Too many things happened in Africa in the past few days o. A Tunisian Health Minister was said to have resigned from his post following the death of 11 newborns. Big news abi? At the same time, news broke in GH revealing an allegation that at the Cape Coast Teaching Hospital, about 50% of newborns die within 24 hours after delivery and about 80% of the remaining 50% don’t make it in the first week of their birth.

But it looks to me as if not much attention is being given to this scary revelation o; or we should just take it as news or is it that we are not really seeing it as a serious issue too?  These are other serious matters too that need equal attention o. Virtually everything has come to a halt because of one ‘Lante’.

From the infamous original ‘Lante’ which has transmogrified into ‘Job-Lantes’ and ‘Cedi-Lantes’; I am yet to hear of Baby-Lantes! My sister, I once suffered the loss of a child at birth within hours and I can testify that it is a very very very painful experience! To wake up at dawn to ‘fire’ is already a daunting task to start with.

Then the woman carries the foetus for 9 or more months (in my own case, I was born in the 11th month, with moustache already). Then she goes into painful labour and then…she does not get the baby? Lord God have mercy! 3mpari y3n! Good morning, GH!

Greetings o, Knii Lante Van P! Long time, you dey?

And then there was this Ethiopian air crash! Ao! Ao! ao! It’s so sad. I wish the cause is established soon but I heard mostly in line with aviation policies or rather practice when the cause of an aircraft accident is uncovered with the aid of the BLACK BOX, it is not made public, sometimes bcos of insurance and other related issues.

Did I also hear that the colour of the black box used in commercial aeroplanes for recording voice data is actually ORANGE, not black? I see! Hmmm! May God strengthen the families of the deceased in this unfortunate incident!

Just as sandwich has no sand in it, so is the black box not black o, take note. It is just like a type of fish called ‘doctor fish’ but the fish had never attended the medical school! The first time she told me about doctor fish, I was actually expecting the fish to be at least wrapped in a white apparel and it turned out to be nothing but just a fish!

It still beats my imagination how our wives can go to the market to do shopping with GHC100 and come back with so much stuff. I wonder how they do it!

You and I would go to the same market, the same sellers and with the same GHC100 and come back with less than half of the stuff our wives are capable of buying with that same amount from the same seller. For those of us ‘chisel’ men who sign on the surface of corn dough before leaving for work, God is watching us!

Don’t be like that great grand uncle of my native ‘cat-eating-homeland’ who would prefer to call ‘Adabraka’ ‘Dabraka and call ‘Takoradi’ ‘Atakoradi. You see me and my people? Where there is an ‘A’, we would take it off and give it to one that doesn’t have it! Very magnanimous people, aren’t we! Yes, from Dabraka to Atakoradi! Dasorrr! Robbing Adabraka to pay Takoradi!

Is it true that roasted and grilled cat meat is now available on the market? Like the way I will patronize er. The reason is that killing a cat has been a major hurdle for many people. In killing a cat, there could be many ways including gunshots, pestles and the use of sleeping tablets which is the laziest way of killing a cat.

But the commonest method is to first put fried fish on burning charcoal. The aroma from the burning fish will attract the cat. Then you make a sack ready and then arrest the cat. After that, immerse it in water, with reasonable force. Keep holding it tight with your eyes on it till it drowns.

You have to be careful at this stage or else if you do it in a feeble manner and the cat jumps out of the sack, you are on your own! After it has drowned in the water, take the cadaver out of the sack and do whatever you want to do with it after singeing it! The other dangerous method which I will not advise you to try if you are not a ‘Nyebro’ is to catch the cat and slaughter it like the way we slaughter rabbits.

That is when you would know that there is something called ‘Double Trouble’ especially when you are led to slash the throat gently in an akukor-like fashion. If you can kill a cat that way, then you are a vigi something something! Animal Rights people will insult me today p333. Hope they would insult those who kill goats too that same way. Boot for boot abi? Hahahahahaaaa!

I will go and ask Dr Fish how I can get roasted cat meat on the market as I had heard.

 ‘Dr Fish’ is my ‘customer’ at the Lapaz new market who always sold tomatoes to me especially at Christmas and would create the impression she was giving me a good deal but in actual fact cheating me. These market women, some of them are rich oo! She sells only tomatoes but has a BMW saloon car and a trotro bus! When you see Dr. Fish’s mansion at Omanjor er, you go bow!

Last Friday, I was with my mechanic, Alansi and she drove her BMW there with some ‘small problem’. Yes that was the day I realized that however smart some of these market women can be, it is only auto mechanics who can fleece them and do so with vim! Small problem and the mechanic multiplied the cost by about 8 times what he would have charged me, a man!

At this point, I was expecting her to ask for a bargain. She did not; she rather quickly doled out the money and was more interested in when the vehicle would be ready for her to pick up.

We had a chit chat and I offered her lift to the nearest place from where she could pick a car to a saloon at Darkuman. I did not utter a word.

I came back to the mechanic and asked him why he had to play on the ignorance of the woman for just timing belt! His answer was preceded with a laughter! The mechanic narrated how he has also devised ways to fleece women who come to his shop with their vehicles.

According to him, market women would often cheat stingy men who instead of sending their wives to shop, go to the market themselves; men o men, just bcos of small ‘chobo’, you want to do shopping yourself. So the only smart way of ‘revenge’ was when the women also bring their vehicles for repairs.

According to him, 99.99% of women would not ask for reduction in the cost of fixing mechanical problems the same way men would normally not ask for reduction in the prices of tomatoes and other food stuff. It is quite weird for men to ask for reduction of prices all bcos of stubborn egos but Kpedzigla, my uncle is an expert. He wouldn’t mind spending the whole day negotiating for price reduction on common plantain. That man? Hmmm!

Market women would keep cheating the stingy men who want to do the shopping by themselves and auto mechanics would keep fleecing women who want ‘to be on their own’! If you don’t have a partner, ask for help; or else when you pretend to be dead, we would pretend and bury you! After all, what is the use of a man who cannot drive a faulty car to the workshop! Is that one too a man? Don’t bring yourself; bring the car!

Next time, send your wife to the market and wives, send your husbands to the mechanic. By so doing, there would be a win-win situation. No double trouble biaa! Hahaaa!

So what about ‘Double Trouble in Akoto Lante’ in this abstract? You are on your own o. Hahaaaa!

God be with us all, especially new-born babies; I really cherish them!

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