With over a dozen anti-aging creams and serums on my bathroom shelf, I’ve been marching in unison with a societal obsession to halt the aging process. It seems right after I turned forty, the normal wear and tear of my body became offensive to my existence and detrimental to my self-esteem.

That is until today, when I realized that I was WRONG about the entire aging conundrum.

You see, last night I had one of those dreams that was more like a reality TV show than a movie. My older self showed up in her late seventies. Traces of gray hair beneath her dark chocolate highlights. Wrinkled cheeks, upper lip, and neck. Age spots, soggy abs, and thigh cellulite — my own mom’s worst nightmare.

However, with a total assault to logic, the old me appeared content. She was smiling broadly, her topaz eyes bright, clear and filled with the teasing light of passionate aliveness. Despite her non-Botox-stuffed face, she was HAPPY.

She made a huge impact on me, and when I opened my eyes in the morning, I had to question my relationship with this older version of me — perhaps the most important relationship of all.

Here's how to come to terms with the shame of getting older as a woman & find the beauty and joy.

1. Understand how we build our perceptions

As a mental health professional, I know that our entire reality is created from mental conclusions formed in early childhood. When we’re born, our minds are a clean slate, and we look at the world with innocent wonder.

As we grow older, observing our environment, we form mental conclusions about life, people — and especially about ourselves. Over the years, these mental beliefs form thick layers of human conditioning — or lenses of perception — through which life appears to us

This is what I call perceptional non-reality. Knowing this, I have to re-focus my lenses in regards to aging.

2. Reevaluate your core beliefs.

I’ve been asking myself, what is my core belief about aging?

What does “getting old” mean to me? So I write down, getting older means: ugly, decline, disconnected, feeble, depression, loneliness, death.

Inspired by my dream, I cross out these words and write another, a more useful description of what getting older means to me: Maturity, wisdom, self-knowledge, self-respect, awareness, richness of life experience.

The image from my dream floats into my mind, and the realization follows: The beauty of my old self’s self-esteem is radiating brightly from within, consuming wrinkles and age spots. Her physical appearance has NOTHING to do with the emotion of happiness — the most desired state craved by all.

However, I can’t be happy and in “fighting aging” mode at the same time. I have to make the choice to be happy and old. Year after year. Otherwise, I’ll be paddling against nature, totally wasting my time on unnecessary suffering and stress — and today, EVERYONE knows that stress is not good for the skin.

3. Choose to age gracefully

If I choose to age gracefully, my entire lifestyle evolves into self-love and self-care.

I choose foods that are good for my body—fresh, natural cuisine to fulfill and satisfy me. I stay active and well hydrated. I exercise my body in ways that are fun and enjoyable.

I keep my mind positive and calm. I focus on the bright side of life while accepting its dual nature. I forgive easily and smile more. I recognize no one is perfect and people do the best they can, including myself. I criticize less and praise and appreciate more.

I choose to see my future as vivid and bright, like that bouquet of candles on my birthday cake.

All these are the signs of healthy maturity — an optimistic and exciting aging quest worth celebrating.