BECE Number 14

BECE Number 14
Source: Mawuli Zogbenu | uselesscolumn.wordpress.com
Date: 08-06-2018 Time: 09:06:53:am

I told you when I am drunk I have funny dreams. Last night I saw the Pres. making some changes to his appointments o. But I wasn’t happy in the dream bcos apart from not seeing my name, Prof Boat is still at Science Ministry when Koale Bu would have been transformed positively by now with him at the helm of affairs. I still think he is needed more at K’Bu than the Ministry even though at the Min, he has succeeded in discouraging me from eating too much koobi. The one that woke me up from the dream after I had screamed ‘Jesus’ was when I saw Kenny G Ajipon’s new role as the Minister of Information! In fact, I fainted - in the dream. Hahaaaaa. It’s been a week of ‘too many news’! Hmmm!

Did you know that the number ‘13’ is seen as bad omen or ‘evil’ in America? That’s the reason I have never seen any hotel in America with hotel room number 13. After room 12, no room number has number 13 but straight to room 14! Travel and see ooo, Korshi.

The BECE candidates are writing their last paper(s) today and I wish my nephew Nathaniel Zogbenu 14 ones! The candidates in my village may be chewing the tops of their pens without knowing what to write. It is only in my village that the pen tops become sweet like toffee; they will chew and chew and chew! And pray for the ‘stop work, pens down’ instruction so they can go and rest! A few fortunate ones would make it to the big schools but the rest? Hmmm. Massa, go and sit your somewhere and rest wai.

That is when people like us will come out as their products and be making big spelling mistakes. You remember that my first boss, Mr Eric T. Noi of Civil Aviation (GCAA) and the trouble I took him through before? This is the man who mentored me on how to write o. You remember when I drafted a letter for him some time in 2002 and put his designation under it ‘PUBIC AFFAIRS MANAGER’ for him to sign. Ehern! When he later detected the error in ‘PUBIC’ in a copy, he only called me to his office and reprimanded me for the harm caused: weytin I do, Sir? ‘Mawuli, you have spoilt the job; look at your spelling of PUBLIC’. Meanwhile this letter had already been delivered to the Ministry o, hmmm! Fortunately, nobody saw it! Pubic Affairs Manager? Hahaaaaa! Herh reader, Whort? Stop looking at me la; is it the ‘pubic’ that you are disturbed about or what? or you have not seen some before? Or you don’t have some? If you don’t like it, give it to me er! At least I can use that to start the govt afforestation programme from there to fight galamsey!  

Mr E.T No.1 (aka Papa Noi), the man taught me many things including how to happy my wife at dawn by moving to the right in the name of Jesus and move to the left in the name of the Lord….! Hahaaaaa!

Ablavi Blodo is on admission at Asylum Down eyi now o. Her problem is that she is suffering severe depression from broken heart; her man has impregnated another girl and the girl has been smiling! Because of that, Ablavi wants to die o and now see where she is. She really trusted her husband so much that she didn’t think he could do what he did to her.

But I shock sef. Nothing on earth surprises me more than when I hear that a woman is shocked to know that her man is cheating or has cheated on her. Ah! It’s our hobby oo; don’t waste your heart, abeg! It’s normal wai; if we stop, we will fall sick. Hahaaa!

Why is it that we all want to go to school, fill forms, pay fees but we don’t like lectures koraaa like that? In Primary 5, the message comes through the class prefect that the Maths teacher says he is not feeling well so no class and then we jubilate, in fact celebrate his sickness. We continue to the secondary school, the value is the same. At the Bachelor’s degree level, the story is sweeter: ‘lecturer says no lectures today, hurrayyyyyyy’! It is even sweeter at the Masters level and beyond. Just pray for the lecturer’s car to break down while on his way to class so class will be cancelled. What I personally hated so much was when the class leader comes to announce that the lecturer says he will be late; late for where? Just cancel the class and let’s go our somewhere. The sweetness comes in only when in 20 minutes later, the class leader comes back to announce that ‘the lecturer says he cannot come at all’! That is when you see adults jubilating. Ao! Hmmm! There are only a few serious ones usually ladies who get disappointed when the lecturer fails to come to teach. The lazy ones like me will celebrate. Why not? No man really likes bathing especially in this weather; it’s because of circumstances! No be so? Hahaaaaaaa!

In spite of all of these negative prayers, we are hopeful we would pass our exams at the end of the term / semester! If we fail to pass, we blame the lecturer. If you get a C, you would say ‘he gave me a ‘C’ o’. If your grade is an ‘A’, then you hit your chest in pride, ‘I got an ‘A’. God forgive us for our ingratitude!

My friend Kofi Boakyi and I decided to go on rampage and instigate our course mates to petition the Dean of our faculty. The reason? At the end of the semester exam, half the class scored grade C in a particular course (subject) and the other half scored ‘F’. I was the class president as the case was at such a level, not class prefect. You know how these things work; at JSS, a straight edge is called ‘ruler’; the name changes as soon as one enters SSS into ‘rule’. When green plantain ripens, its name changes from bordi3 to korkorrr! As regards this abysmal performance and the fact that the lecturer / examiner had been wicked to us, we have to ‘cause’ him too.

We matched into the Dean’s office chanting and upon entry, we saw the Dean but right behind him going through some files was the ‘wicked’ lecturer. Ei! We didn’t expect him to be there; apparently he is a friend to the Dean. Numbering about 20 ‘faceless’ petitioners, I was the leader with the petition in my hand. We only hoped that the lecturer would not know our names. Dean then asks: ‘Amani3’. I didn’t know where to start from. I was fortunate to be one of those who obtained at least a ‘C’ so why do I endanger my life with this leadership choboi choboi? What if at the end of the day, the lecturer decides to reverse my grade to ‘F’ for being ‘loud mouth’? What if indeed I scored an ‘F’ but then he mistakenly gave me a ‘C’? Wouldn’t this be the time to be ‘exposed’? Is it not better to ‘cry my own cry?’ Class President for where? I pretended to have received a call, went out and straight to central cafeteria to go and drink beer. I left them there. As to what happened to them, Joe Kofi Boakyi was the Asst Class Prez; he should take over! Me? To have been lucky with a ‘C’, leading a team of ‘Failures’ to go and do what? What if they withdraw C and make it F? They should be there; that’s my back case! Later, when Kofi Boakyi and his rampaging F students came back, they accused me of betraying them. I explained to them why I left and that it was due to running stomach. As to how they managed to come out of the Dean’s office, that was their problem.

Boakyi and I were very ‘lazy’ students. In class, we would sleep in turns. When I sleep for 5 minutes, I would wake up and ask him to also sleep for 5 minutes. One day, the lecturer asked a question on what he had taught us the previous day. Nobody would volunteer. The lecturer, frustrated threatened that if nobody raised his or her hand, he would mention names o. Boakyi’s immediate response into the microphone unknowingly was: ‘Nyame npengu’ (God forbid). Ei! You registered for a course and ‘God forbid’ that your name would be called to answer a question? Ei! Prof Boubou, I doubt if you are still alive though I will be surprised if you are because all your age mates are ‘gone’!

God bless you for wasting your time here. Bye!

 

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