You can’t be sad in Ghana o, aswear. In the midst of trouble and even in times of heavy grief, Ghanaians will find a way to make you laugh. Maybe this is a very good natural resource we should start looking at.

With reasonably okay grammar, the fairly old woman blended English with Twi, seeking to catch the sympathy of the President, His Excellency John Mahama, after the floods caused havoc at Alajo and other parts of southern Ghana especially. She spoke with some high level of confidence too.

She narrated how the flood waters at Alajo behaved. According to her eyewitness account, the flood water went into negotiations with the belongings and containers at Alajo.

In the video, she was heard saying:

“...we used to go and bring wares together. The water asked the woman and [the container]: ‘Container, are you going left, right, forward or going back? John Mahama, help us.’ And the container responded: ‘Water, I beg you, water, I will go forward.’”

So the water went forward.

As soon as it went forward, the woman lost everything in the container.

Just like the synoptic gospel writers — Matthew, Mark, Luke and John — she gave a very vivid account of what she saw and heard regarding the conversation between her and the water.

Of course, she had her personal conversation with the flood, and here it goes:

“...after that, I asked my belongings, ‘Belongings, where are you going?’ They responded: ‘We are going to the sea.’”

She looked very serious and livid as she pleaded for basic food items for herself and other victims.

President Mahama, you try o. We would always call on you.

This same year, when the sun was burning at an unusual temperature, I saw something, maybe a short video (not too sure). In it, the content creator was blaming President Mahama for being the one who had instructed the sun to burn us like that and that he should do something about it, since he is doing extremely well in his second term administratively and economically.

I remember seeing this bit of the video:

“Since you [President Mahama] have been able to control the speed of the dollar, please cooling the sun with a ceiling fan shouldn’t be difficult for you, Your Excellency.”

Herh! This country is sweet o, regardless.

People have creative ideas, especially for mishaps, and like insurance, the humour bit comes to mitigate the effect of any mishap the country suffers.

In the midst of all these, government has allocated GH¢350 million as relief to victims, and I have heard that some people living on high hills suddenly have their rooms flooded too.

Eeeeeei! Na so to be President dey? Alla!

I love Ghana. Eish.

Leadership at the very highest level may not be easy. Does the President sleep?

Somebody decides to occupy the way of water at Chado and the place gets flooded, spreads into other parts of the country, drowns people, displaces them, and the President gets sleepless nights because virtually everybody is calling his name — often without even adding “His Excellency.”

This happens especially in our rooms and trotro!

As President, even children will call you by your name just like that: “Mahama,” except when they come face to face with you.

If it is for a good cause, it is still your name. Woe unto you if it is for a reason that is not too pleasant. They stretch it in exclamation:

“Ei Mahaaaaaama!”

Hmmm!

Me? To be President? Of Ghana?

I don’t think I can. Lailai!

If it is president of a WhatsApp group, I will manage. Given the opportunity to be the country’s leader, I will faint the very day I am sworn in.

To be President of Ghana?

Kpa ooooo.

Even as ordinary human beings, whatever you do, people must talk. Advancing it to such a high leadership role would not be easy at all.

Even as the leader in my house, I can recall the number of times I had to contain the inconsistencies of leading my family.

You are about to enter the exam hall, that is when a phone call comes:

“Daddy, the prepaid is finished o.”

Of course, you are the president of the family.

Spouse, children, others connected to me, and I are often consistently inconsistent!

Children want to attend boarding school. Wifee says no and that they are too young. I agree with her.

Two hours later, Wifee comes back to say:

“What is wrong if they go to boarding school at this age? They would learn faster how to be independent in life.”

Then I change my mind.

“Auntie” (that’s how I call her nowadays; we’ve gone past the stage of calling each other by these “useless” petty names like “Baby” and “Honey.” Honey for where when I am being tortured naturally or I am touring her emotions artificially? Hehehe!)

“So okay, Auntie, let’s look for a school outside Accra where they can be more independent.”

Wifee vexes:

“Do you really care about the safety of the children on the roads to as far as Kumasi, for instance? What kind of husband is this? God, why me? I should have listened to my church elder when the red flags were up.” I smile and ask:

“Which red flags?”

She responds:

“I don’t remember, but it is okay. Let’s send them to school in Sefwi Wiawso.” Then I respond with indirect or direct sarcasm:

“Wow, that’s a fantastic idea; let’s start looking for boarding schools for Grade 5 and 6 children.”

She responds:

“What? So you mean we should risk the lives of the children and send them that far just because of independent life? This man!”

She exclaimed!

I kept quiet and drove off to go and watch the World Cup at the mall. The ultimate responsibility comes back to me as the head of the family, with or without the World Cup. Children too give their own wahala to me as the president of the house.

Chai chai chai! You ask them to stop watching phones and read their textbooks. They oblige, even though it is in their own interest.

Last night, they impressed me with their reading skills when, for over three hours, they were reading their books.

I stealthily walked behind them to give them a pat on their backs and Jesus!

What I saw er. Hmmm!

The phones were stuck in the middle of their books.

They were not reading anything la. They had downloaded several apps and were watching things I had never seen in my life.

At this point, I didn’t know how to reprimand them.

Shouting is a waste of time.My Deputy, Wifee, their mum, has developed sore throat from persistent shouting to get them to fall in line, but hey, they won’t. Were we also like that growing up?

I am not too sure if I gave my parents this type of hell, perhaps because there were no phones then. But I remember I used to climb mango trees and would fall. I received the beatings, cried for a while and climbed again. The cycle continued! Parenting is perhaps another hard leadership role to play, but that is just the home. Then you carry the 16 regions of Ghana on your head and shoulders and still manage to sleep?

President Mahama, why?

Or maybe the question should be:

“How?”

I miss the communal labour days back in Kisseman. It was fun. I am glad President Mahama is bringing it back at the national level.

Let’s support this initiative and do it as if it is nobody’s business and, of course, in our own interest.

Bring the shovels, the brooms and the baskets for collecting waste o.

Add wheelbarrows.

I used to love driving wheelbarrows.

I want to drive one on Friday again to reminisce about the days of old.

Shhhh!

Please don’t tell anybody o.

I heard former Vice President, His Excellency Dr Bawumia, is ready for action this Friday in his neighbourhood.

Probably one of the first few occasions he is agreeing with President JM’s policies!

The rest are for...

Hahaaaaa!

This shows that this call by the President sits well with every well-meaning Ghanaian.

It is beyond colours green and blue. This is a matter of the red, gold, green and Black Star in the middle… sorry, I meant black star.

Why did I even make that mistake of putting them in the Ghana flag?

Are they in town?

If not, GFA, abeg, we are all cleaning Ghana on Friday!

There is probably nothing in this life more painful than losing a crucial match at dawn and trying to catch a good sleep.

It is a fine opportunity for some of the Black Stars to come sing the national anthem.

Black Stars, please, we are going to clean and nobody should smear super glue or “kwakwe last-stop” on his legs before coming, so that we can clean with SPEED and score the CLEANLINESS GOAL for a CLEAN GHANA!

Cleaning with jama in the background dey biiiiiiiii...

Hahahahahahaaaa!

Thanks for not reading this “useless column”, but remember:

“If you want to be President, beware of floods!”

Thank you, Your Excellency, Sar.

Ayekooooo!