Malam Abramovich

Malam Abramovich
Source: Mawuli Zogbenu | uselesscolumn.wordpress.com
Date: 01-06-2018 Time: 06:06:28:am
Mawuli Zogbenu

Eish, I heard Chelsea owner, Abrramovich is as rich as nine point three billion pounds (£9.3billion). Ao, ao, ao! I need just 0.0001% to solve some small problem bi oo, ei! This Russian-turned-Israeli businessman needs to be my friend, even if it’s on Facebook. Kw33. People have money o. Why am I still like this? God, you have to do something o, yoo. Just clear my hometown witches from Accra back to the village la, God! Don’t let them use Malam junction o; traffic will catch them and out of frustration, they may return to me, God forbid!

Whiles thinking about Abrramovich who can no longer work in the UK apart from just visiting the Queen’s land, I sent a ‘how are you doing’ wassap message to a lady friend and guess her response: ‘hmmm, am ok’. I sensed danger immediately and sent her a reply: ‘To God be the glory’ and blocked her. Finish! Money is not easy to come by and then you have even given me a clue that your problem is bigger than mine. If even the richest man in Israel, Bra Abrramovich should be sharing his money just like that, do you think he would have any money left to remain rich? This same lady is full of annoying direct messages loaded with requests one of which is ‘I’m broke oo’. You are broke? E bi me born you? Mtcheeew, don’t bring yourself, Mavis!

Just like the Malam junction traffic super congestion, yesterday er, Ablavi my side Chic made me so angry I nearly told my wife about it. I suwear! I will report her to the CIID p3333! Etsoo. How can I buy you a galaxxy s7 and you gave it to your so-called cousin and now asking for data bundle in addition? Ablavi Gborgborvon. I will see you tomorrow at the funeral. I will introduce you to my wife as my cousin too. We shall see. Hahaaaaa!

It’s yet another Friday made of good things. I never had a good night sleep throughout this week. I had to wake up at 3.30am just to make sure I beat that Malam traffic everyday of the week. On Wednesday for instance, I got to Weija junction before I realised I had not bathed well and when I mentioned it to my wife sitting next to me, she said I should go back and bath well. Me? Go back? Bcos of what? Bathing well? She doesn’t know that the subject matter of bathing for us, men is a matter of protocol, not by force.

My big brother still calls me Fuseini. You know why? He says he thinks I am now Ayigbe Kremo. When I asked him why, his explanation was that bcos of all the places I have ever lived since I became a youngman. First it was Alhaji-Tabora. Then I moved to stay at Malam. From Malam, I continued to Tuba and by some coincidence, my office is around a famous masalachi at airport residential area! What else can convince anybody that I have not joined my friend Dr. Rafiq Daudi in worship? Ei, Doc, this Ramadan which is likely to be in two weeks time, I will eat goat light soap o, sorry soup, I mean! Haaaa!

Malam junction drainage construction? Before God and man, I don’t think the planners have planned for us before the project execution o. Didn’t we know certain alternate routes should have been made available prior? Or nobody knew about the Pambross by-pass road being an existing road that could have been improved upon as alternate route before this project? From Oblogo (Blogo-City) through Malam-Gbawe (Gbabs-City) there are a number of rough roads that could just have some gravels poured on them as alternate routes before this project or? Or we didn’t consider the possibility of medical emergencies?

 The whole thing is as if to tell us that ‘a storm drain is being constructed to forestall seasonal flooding so bear with us and stay in the traffic as long as you can, we don’t mind!’ One needs to experience it to feel the frustration and pain.

I can conjecture that at least one third of the commuting population in Accra now live on the western part of the capital – i.e. from Malam junction to Kasoa and surrounding areas.

I would not have been commenting on this but for what happened to me on Tuesday. I left home late, i.e. 5.16am. Bcos I was in a hurry to beat the traffic, I wasn’t bothered about whether I’d used the washroom or not. When I got into the heat of the traffic having to spend close to two hours, ‘nature placed a call to me’. I ignored the call. ‘It’ called again, I pretended I didn’t hear. Then it used force. I pretended it couldn’t be true. It shouldn’t be true. Nooo. I had to suppress an urge to cough. The devil is a liar; not here. But it prompted me again and the urge was getting stronger. Yeeeeeei! Ewurade, this cannot happen here oo. Not in this heavy traffic and I was already in the inner lane! No turning back and all that was required was at least 2 hours of patience, endurance and more fuel! I would have feigned an epileptic seizure so that I abandon my car and carried into an ambulance so I could respond to ‘my nature’s call but the ambulance itself had no choice but to join the traffic jam! Nowhere to turn to. I couldn’t abandon my car in the ‘sardine-packed’ traffic either. When I looked right, there was no hope! Left, no hope. I started sweating profusely. My fuel gauge was becoming unfriendly and ‘and about to show red’.

I nearly wept but as to what happened thereafter, you like asking questions too much. Ah! What is it again? All I remember is that I spent almost 2 productive hours in traffic between Tetegu and Busia junction. Why? Other motorists and commuters in their vehicles wore one facial look – that of frustration and anger! I hope you remember that ‘Ghana Water erection’ experience on the Legon road last two years. It was a repeat. Kai.

Ao ao ao! Traffic, traffic, traffic multiplied by traffic times traffic increased by a reduction in the fuel tank and multiplied again by the intensity of the sun. The traffic congestion was ‘sweet’ ei! The sun was having a field day. If AC cools, that has its own implications – fuel go finish and engine would cease if all the fuel runs out while still in the traffic. Indeed I saw a motorist whose vehicle ‘broke down’ in the jam and claimed it was due to ‘low battery’. He refused to accept my offer to use my battery to jam-start his car. His fuel was gone. I immediately concluded this guy had run out of fuel. I was barely above quarter tank myself.

From Westhill to airport residential area, it took me about four hours! I was nearly sacked from work but I was asked to type my own query. For my reply, like I did for Ghana Water before, this time the contractor will answer my query. Haaba!

Just wait for the next construction work that would take place elsewhere in the country with the predilection to affect commuters – nothing will change! One thing I have learnt from history in our part of the world is that ‘we don’t learn from history’!

Now that you have not finished reading this non-fa, let us pray: ‘Father God, please forgive all men who cheat on their partners bcos we don’t know what we are doing but for the ladies who cheat on their men, Heavenly Father, break one leg of the men with whom they cheat! Dasorrrrr!

Behave yourself; I hardly do most of the things I put here! If you like, do otherwise and see; or you don’t know that HIV / AIDS, unwanted pregnancies and ‘moba money’ are real?

 

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