I hardly knew my new husband. I was terrified about the wedding night, for that’s when most women lose their virginity to a strange man whose sexual hunger they have to satisfy until their dying day. Before I got married, I had met Jatin twice.

He was in the Merchant Navy and was on land for only two months a year. I had chatted with him on the phone, but the connection was not great and used to get disrupted. Thus, despite knowing him for 20 months, it had seemed as if I was marrying a stranger.

Thus, despite knowing him for 20 months, it had seemed as if I was marrying a stranger.

Akash, my best friend from school, said it was nothing to be terrified of. In fact, he taught me how to kiss by showing me how to do it by kissing my palm. I often wished it would be the chatty Akash who would ask me to marry him but Akash never stuck to one girl.

When I told him my family has fixed my marriage with Jatin, he was so happy for me. I wished he would have been sad but he wasn’t.

Jatin would be romantic and he would respect women, I had thought and that is why he is so reserved. I had imagined an intense lover in Jatin. Akash said probably he was like that and I believed that, for Akash was the sort of guy who knew everything about everyone.

On my wedding night, Jatin came to me and said, “You don’t have to worry. I won’t touch you. You’re tired. Sleep.” And then he changed and turned to the other side and slept. I was elated, for I really didn’t want to have a physical relationship right then when the entire world would be speculating about my copulation. I got a text from Akash asking me how it was the next morning. And I told him that Jatin was indeed nice and that he didn’t violate me. Akash sent a text I have never forgotten. “Sex is not a violation. When it happens it will be beautiful.”

I didn’t see that beauty in the next two months that Jatin was on land. He then went away and didn’t take me. No one minded it, for a new bride needs to mingle with the family. Then when he returned, it was a little awkward. I was never comfortable with my husband. He was always formal. Nice but formal. Caring but not intimate. Considerate but not passionate.

Everyone asks us, when will the little one come? I look down and Jatin, smiles and says, “When God wants…” Does he believe in immaculate conception? Is he gay? Is he impotent? I have not told anyone.

Akash used to ask but I tell him not to interfere in my private matters. Do I tell anyone? Won’t I seem stupid if I say I’ve been married for two years and I’m still a virgin?