Erection @  21

Erection @  21
Source: Mawuli Zogbenu | uselesscolumn.wordpress.com
Date: 12-10-2018 Time: 09:10:32:am

What is it you haven’t seen before or heard before? Why are you insulting me in your head, Mr Isaac Axiati of SICL? Haven’t you ever heard of that form of engineering insurance called ‘Erections All Risks’? Haaba! Abeg, just let it ‘get up’, naturally, not with any ‘bitters’. The worst thing to happen to anyone is to seek help to ‘get up’ with some so-called bitters just to impress and end up siphoning deadly diseases with it in addition thus destroying families with it. If care is not taken, some bitters even give priapism. Google the word and you’d be scared of those aggradan bitters and tramol dizel!

HIV is still there o. I thought about it last night aaaa when I was thinking of ‘full time enjoyment’ with some eyibi I just met recently. She looks too sweet and fleshy to have even malaria. I thought and thought and thought aaaa before I knew it, I had ‘thinked’. I wondered: ‘What will happen to my children who I love so much if I go and contract the thing from outside and come and give it to my faithful innocent wife?

Then we both fall sick and school fees become a problem. After my death, she would follow. After that, what next? The household becomes basaaa. The children would have nowhere to go to especially in today’s society that people would pretend to take care of your children when you are dead and gone but never really do bcos they have not finished taking care of their own children.No relative takes care of anybody’s children again o, yoo. One of my thought lines was what if the girl I intend to ‘have it’ with also gives it to another ‘useless guy’ who would keep spreading it till it gets to another man’s home to kill him and his wife prematurely thus messing up the future of the innocent children? Please don’t think HIV is gone o; it’s there, live.

The same way it is difficult to tell whether there is poison in a drink until it gets into your stomach, it is the same way the thing works o. Don’t assume the person is looking nice and so piaaaaa – raw! I can’t advise you to stop bcos you won’t but if you have to indulge in it, use rubber. In the event of ‘emergency’ and there is no phiesta around, you can improvise by using polythene bag like I did before. Just tear a bit of the polythene bag and wrap it around your eyi, tie it very well and manage it like that…small small. Half enjoyment is better than full enjoyment with destruction of families o, ayooo. Me I talk finish!

The only disadvantage of having boils in your armpit is that nobody would be ready and willing to lend you money bcos you would start walking like a ‘big man’ who needs no help with arm raised. It is even worse if the boils are in both armpits – you walk with both arms raised as if you are an aeroplane pilot about to fly! When you have boils in both armpits but need a loan, walk as if everything is fine with you. Manage it small small and after you get the loan, you can now conveniently walk like a big man – arms raised. No be so?

If you value your ‘this thing’ but don’t value your life, think again! Do you know that it’s been exactly 21 years ago when ‘things shrunk’? Yea! Until 1997, I didn’t know how much men valued their ‘this things’. Suddenly every man became conscious of his 5th limb. The women protected their ‘those soft things’ in their chests too. That was when I realized that as young as 21, I also had some nokofio to protect. When even a butterfly touched me, psychologically I felt that what people were rumouring about was actually true.

On the Legon campus, I sat in a taxi from Commonwealth Hall towards the main gate where we used to have a very big silk cotton tree under which Madina trotro mates shouted ‘hohroo’ hohroo’ ‘hohroo’ instead of ‘Old Road, Old Road! There was a passenger in front of the Datsun 120Y taxi cab; I was that passenger. The taxi driver stopped in front of Legon Hall. There were students waiting for a car to board but nobody wanted one that had passengers already because they didn’t want to come into contact with anybody. There was total panic in town.

It was rumoured hugely that if you came into contact with anybody, your genitals would vanish or shrink! Eiii! Only one daring passenger joined the taxi in front of Akuafo Hall. He sat in the back seat of the taxi; I was in front. End of story for the taxi driver. Two more available spaces butnobody wanted to join again. The ‘hotman’ refused to take money directly from the hands of passengers to avoid contact with his hand.

I took advantage of this and gave him a large note so that he won’t even bother himself looking for change. He refused to take the money from me and told me he only offered me lift! The other passenger dropped his coins on the seat so the taxi driver would pick it by himself. Men o, men and their ‘this thing!

There had been rumours later on to the effect that those who lost their things due to ‘vanishment’ could go to a certain ‘recovery’ place where the ‘things’ were on display. All one needed to do was to ‘identify and retrieve’, sort of identification parade. You won’t believe that my uncle Korshiga, the carpenter was one of those who went there; his ‘this thing’ vanished for 6 days earlier, he believed. There, he rightly identified his ‘this thing’ and had to go through due process to collect it.

That night, his wife Daavi Akorshiwor almost killed him. The reason? Daavi Akorshiwor reprimanded him for not being smart enough to take advantage of the opportunity to pick a bigger one but went ahead to bring that same small eyi to the house again! At least Uncle Korshiga could have swapped ‘the thing’ just like what some others did for what their wives really desired. Ei, Daavi Akorshiwor and ‘satisfaction’! Aaooooo! 

Also on display was a white-man’s ‘this thing’ at the identification parade and only God knew where he was touched and how the ‘vanishment’ took place. I also heard that one of the best ways to retrieve your ‘this thing’ instantly was to confront the one who touched you there and then and he would ‘return’ it immediately if you were lucky.

A 12-year old boy was said to have been touched by someone and his ‘this thing’ vanished. His mother confronted the ‘toucher’ who returned the small boy’s thing immediately. When they got home, it turned out that the replacement was that of a 44 year old man with a rastaman’s armpit hair surrounding it. The boy collapsed; his mother fainted!

It was a serious thing oo. It was both psychological and physical.  Nobody shook hands any more. Trotros were empty. People preferred to walk from Accra to Nsawam; Tema to Afienya! It was safer!. People in suits walked from Achimota to 37 just to avoid contact with anybody. What a useless hoax! I am still looking for the one who started this whole unnecessary rumour. When I catch her or him er? Hmmm!

It’s exactly 21 years ago – 1997 when this useless hoax was propagated by only God knows who! That 12-year old boy must be 33 by now and still under age because what he had in return was that of a 44-year old man; 11 more years to reach that age!

Many thanks to KSSM who came to ‘rubbish’ the rumour on Vibe 3f3m at the time thus relaxing our nerves and life became normal again.

Some well-meaning Ghanaians were reportedly lynched as suspects who ‘touched’ people and ‘things’ either shrunk or vanished. I was so scared then but now I wouldn’t mind if mine eyi; I am wasting too much money seeing it intact and using it for…any way I cover it! What is it?

Or you are suspecting me again? I have repented oo. Ask my pastor. haba! You are always suspecting me of what I have done before but stopped since last Monday when there was a storm in Accra that nearly ripped off the roof of the guest house in which I was praying!

I have never cheated la ah! If I had said this thing in the days of Ananias and Saphira, I don’t know what would have happened to me by now o, hahaaaaa!

Why is it that everything about any form of ‘election’ is news han? It is even bigger news if it has to do with the ‘election’ that has the letter ‘R’ in it, why so?

Happy weekend to everybody but please place your hand gently there and be sure ‘it is still there oo but no matter how ‘soft’ it may be, please cover it to protect your family and other families o, ayoo!

 

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